Putin Is Hiding Something Disgusting In A Suitcase

Russian President Vladimir Putin is so paranoid that his excrement and urine might reveal too much information about his health that he carries it with him in a suitcase to keep it from falling into the wrong hands.

“Putin fears the possibility of any information about his health getting into the hands of foreign intelligence services,” according to Rebekah Koffler, president of Doctrine & Strategy Consulting and a former DIA intelligence officer.

“He wants to project the image that he will be ruling Russia indefinitely to deter any chaos associated with a change of power.”

A special aide from the Federal Guard Service is in charge of the suitcase that contains his fecal matter and urine collected during his trips and returns it to Moscow.

Kofler suggests that Putin doesn’t want anyone using the excrement as evidence of some kind of weakness in his health.

“While there is much speculation about Putin’s having a terminal illness, the intelligence about his health is inconclusive,” Koffler said. “Short of a terminal illness, Putin will likely be Russia’s president at least through 2024 and probably through 2036, given that his popularity has skyrocketed after the invasion of Ukraine.”

Putin currently has an 81% approval rating even though there have been scattered protests since Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

Rumors about Putin’s health have been circulating since before the invasion began, with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov denying that the Russian president was seriously ill as recently as last week.

“You know, President Putin appears in public every day. You can see him on the screens, read his speeches, listen to his speeches,” Lavrov said. “I don’t think sane people can discern any sort of symptom of disease in this man.”

In a recent recording, a Kremlin-aligned Russian oligarch said that Putin was seriously ill with blood cancer.

There has been speculation that Putin remained isolated before the invasion to avoid showing signs of poor health. Critics cited his extended periods of isolation as a cause for questionable judgment leading up to and during the invasion of Ukraine.